Up Close and Personal with …. David Melville Edwards

with LG Surgeson &
Clara Euphemista Cropper &
Bread and Butter Pudding with Custard The Goblin
aka as ‘The Amazing Bazooka Sisters’ .
Note: all answers are the unedited responses of the author. This interview contains language which may offend the faint of heart – feel free not to read it.

Give us your name & any known aliases

David Melville Edwards, DME headshot
Fred Wildebeest (my first hotmail address).

Summarise your bio in no more than 100 characters

Mongrel British Computer Man and Author with 4 children, 2 grand children, still on first wife.

Tell us about your current work

The Spirit of the Age’ , a satirical metaphysical contemporary fantasy, is currently available on the Kindle, or as hard copy by arrangement with its publisher or author.

Have you got anything else out at the moment?

No.

We know you’re a writer, what else do you do?

I write software and test and troubleshoot computer systems with large numbers (thousands to millions) of users.

Who’s your writing hero and why?

Terry Pratchett. He was very productive, often very funny, always humane, and published hardly any duds. He will be sadly missed.

[A man after my own heart – this is almost exactly my answer to this question… RIP Sir TP x – LG]

If you could have been the author of any book in history which one do you wish you’d written and why?

Definitely ‘The Bible’. Just think of all those royalties!

Tell us about your writing rituals – do you write in your Pjs, in your garden, in the pub or in the altogether?

I write where I work at my day job; reclining on a lounger with a laptop on my lap. Dog gnawing my arm optional.

When it comes to language do you have a pet hate?

Overdone ‘Elegant Variation’, e.g. said/spoke/intoned/muttered/uttered …

What’s your favourite word/or words and why?

Fuck’. It’s so flexible and expressive, saves thinking time, and mostly conjures up happy memories. Unfortunately taboo limits its literary outings.

What’s your favourite book and why?

Mikhail Bulgakov’s ‘The Master and Margarita’. I first read it at the height of the Cold War, and I was struck by its depiction of a Russia that was neither a Workers’ Paradise nor the Evil Empire; just another place where people like me lived and worked. But its blend of the fantastical and the mundane with drama, humour and philosophising has stayed with me and inspired my own efforts.

When did you first realise you had a story to tell?

I’ve loved reading ever since I was able to do so, and I’d always wanted to write. I get bored if I’m not ‘doing things’. I started writing a novel soon after I finished University, but felt that my life experience was too limited to make it interesting. However, all my working life I have had to write reports on what I do. The subject matter is often rather dry, so I would amuse myself livening it up with inappropriate shifts of register. These would sometimes get me into trouble. For example, when I suggested that only the most self-flagellistic Operations Manager would continue on the current path. Actually writing the novel crept up on me, but I found my software development skills transferable. One year after I started, there it was.

Do you ever get irritated with your own main characters?

No. I’m by nature tolerant and my plotting is character-driven, so my characters follow their natural instincts. I could no more be upset by the sun coming up in the morning when I feel like staying in bed.

What makes you feel like a real author?

Seeing the book on the Kindle, all 400 pages of it, sharing the device with Charles Dickens’s ‘Bleak House’!

What do your family think of your writing – be honest!

They are unremittingly hostile. “You spent a year writing a novel? Why haven’t you written a killer software app!”

If you were a superhero what would your name and power be, what colour would your costume be and if you had a sidekick what would their name be?

I have a super-power, or so I’m told; acid from my fingers eats through computer keyboards. When working at weekends on tricky assignments, I used to wear a Batman T-shirt, until my children grew big enough to pinch it. My ideal side-kick would be hardworking, brilliant enough to always exceed my expectations, self-effacing and cheap! So that would be “CheapSelfEffacingBrilliantPerson”.

What job did you want when you were 7 or 8 years old?

I wanted to be an archaeologist. The dream died when I realised that it wasn’t supposed to be about treasure hunting. Though I now hope to take up detectoring.

Would you prefer to be a literary great or a cult hero?

Definitely a Literary Great. Getting paid to spout bollocks on TV and Radio beats earning a living!

If you could spend one day as any literary character who would it be and why?

Any member of PG Wodehouse’s ‘Drones Club’. I’d be able to devote my time to anything that took my fancy whilst all my physical needs were taken care of. Not that I’m lazy or anything …

Now take a deep breath! I’m going to hand you over to Clara and Pudding, who are going to take it from here – brace yourself, they’re easily amused.

Are you posh or wot?

Only the REALLY posh wouldn’t consider me posh; son of a senior army officer, cut glass accent, friends in high places, hob-nobbing with Peers of the Realm at weddings, cousin a cabinet minister …

{wow – that really is posh…. maybe we shuda washed? ….. Shut up Clara….}

What’s the longest word you can spell wiv out checkin’?

Antidisestablishmentarianism

‘ave you ever been harrested?

I picked up a £5 fine for cycling without lights, back in an age when the Police had nothing better to do

What da’ya wan’ on ya grave-stone?

I never wanted to be late …”

‘ave you ever used a gazunda?

Does taking them off count?

What’s your favourite pie fillin’?

Bramley Apple

How do ya’ like it?

As a crumble, with real egg custard

Can ya sing and what songs do ya know?

Yes, I’m a Tenor in a choir. We’ll be doing Bach’s Christmas Oratorio on 16th December 2017 at Reading University Great Hall.
See
http://www.wokingham-choral-society.org.uk/ for more details!

{Bloody Nora Clara…. he is posh! … Shut up Pudding.}

What about folk dancin’ ‘ave you ever tried it and did you get injurered?

Yes. At University I joined a Folk Dancing club in a vain attempt to meet girls. I didn’t get injured, but neither did I get laid. I was useless!

‘Do you ‘ave a party piece & what is it?

Singing ‘Sixteen Tons’, the song made famous by Tennessee Ernie Ford, a capella.

Would you like some of these apples…. what aren’t stolen, honest?

As long as they’re Bramleys, Russets, Galas or Coxes.

Do you have a fab’lous hat? hatless DME

I have two; an Akubra, and a leather ‘Indiana Jones’-type effort from South Africa.

I’ve lost my Indiana Jones hat at this point …

What’d be worse one twelve foot mole, or twelve moles with only one foot?

The twelve one-footed moles; they wouldn’t even be able to function as Golden or Marsupial Moles 😦

If someone gives you an empty colander, what do you do wiv it?

Strain the flour for my white sauce through it.

What’s your plan in the case of a zombie apocalypse?

Hide in plain site. I doubt that the zombies would be able to tell that I wasn’t one of them.

The shameless plugs

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheSpiritNovels

Twitter: https://twitter.com/DavidCreativia

Amazon author page: https://www.amazon.com/David-Edwards/e/B01N6QCRG8

Creativia author page: http://www.creativia.org/david-melville-edwards.html

youtube channel: I don’t use it. But there is https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/DLDWZAtWAAckVJH.mp4

Buy links: http://mybook.to/TheSpiritOfTheAge

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